Here’s a scenario that’s becoming more common: You fire up your computer or smart phone and get an email message from someone who disagrees with one of your emails or social media posts. You disagree with their comments, then the matter degenerates into name calling, or in social media jargon, “a flame war.”
How can you prevent this sort of thing from happening in the first place? Once a nasty war of words starts, how do you stop it? Read on and learn.
The Bottom Line
The quick response to the above questions is simply this: You are responsible for what you say, do and write, period. If you write something others consider offensive, then you should take the criticism. If your comments step beyond the realm of opinion and into the legal areas of slander, defamation of character or harassment (California Penal Code Section 653.2), you may be financially liable for any damage your comments cause.
Separating emotions and actions is tough … but necessary if you want your actions to be effective.
Step #1: Think First
The first step to preventing flame wars is simply thinking before you type. Ask yourself these questions from the standpoint of someone who stumbles upon your email, tweet or other post:
1. Would I take offense at either the entire content or a portion of it? If so, delete or tone down the potentially offensive comments.
2. Did I mention a person either by name or by using a description that applies only to one individual? If so, remove the name. Another option is to avoid using names or specific descriptions or choose something generic, then put it in quotes with a disclaimer such as “Mike Williams” (not his real name).
Gmail users now have a delay built in to the Send Email function. You have a few seconds to change your mind before your message goes out. Other email programs may offer similar functions.
If you are seriously concerned about offending one person or a group, save the message as a draft then wait until the next day before sending it.
But let’s say the flame war has already started and you think it’s gotten out of hand. How do you stop it?
The first way is to suck up your ego and apologize, even when you feel your comments were right and on the mark. Can you really afford to upset that one person or group? Sometimes you can’t but in other cases, their views and yours may be so far apart that you need set the record straight.
The next steps vary depending on how the comments appear, where, how frequently and if you can prove physical, emotional or financial harm. Your options range from blocking comments by the offending person or group to suing them in court.
Email: Blocking Specific People
These steps apply to Google’s Gmail. Most email programs offer similar options.
Block messages from a specific person is a simple, straight forward task when you follow these steps.
1. Just to the right of the “Search Mail” and “Search the Web” box near the top of Gmail’s Inbox window is a link to “Create a filter.” Click this link.
2. Now you have several options. You can:
a. Enter an individual email address. Use this choice if the offender only has one email address or create individual filters for a small group of them.
b. Enter terms you consider offensive such as “penis enlargers” or “breast enhancements”. You can include a person’s name here.
c. Subject line terms you don’t like, such as “You f***ing idiot”.
d. Delete all messages with attachments. If you are concerned about virus-laden attachments, use an anti-virus program or even better don’t open the attachments.
3. Enter the words or phrases that offend or upset you, then click “Next Step>>”.
4. Now you can pick from a range of actions that range from making these messages as important to automatically deleting them. When you pick the latter choice, you never see these messages.
5. The final step is clicking on the “Create Filter” button.
6.
If you think someone has been spreading nasty rumors or comments about you on Twitter, start by searching for yourself. Verify these rumors are true before responding with inflammatory comments of your own.
Twitter searches use the “hashtag” or number symbol #. Simply enter the # symbol followed by your name in the search box at the top and hit Enter. A list of posts matching those exact terms will appear.
Tip: use variations on your name, including some that use the underscore (_) character in place of a space. For example, I often go by Dave Reynolds instead of David Reynolds. My searches will include #DaveReynolds, #DavidReynolds, #David_Reynolds and #Dave_Reynolds.
So what happens when your search comes up a match or two? What do you do?
Twitter makes it easy for anyone to “follow” (receive Twitter comments) from anyone else. There is a way to control who gets your tweets. Click on your name, go to Settings and scroll down to Tweet Privacy. This lets you control who sees your comments.
There’s an old adage that goes, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
With respect to Twitter, follow people who are tweeting about you and read their comments. If you don’t like what they are saying, send them a direct message saying “cease and desist” using your name or referring to you.
Facebook makes it easy to hide offensive comments. Unfortunately, this doesn’t prevent people from writing them. You can appeal directly to Facebook by giving the user’s name and explaining how their remarks are offensive.
To block a person’s feed, move your mouse to same level as the sender’s name. A down arrow will appear. Click on the arrow and a list of options will appear. Next, select what you want to do, such as “Unsubscribe from …” and you will no longer receive their comments.
You can also "unfriend" them but that will not prevent them from writing about you.
You can also "unfriend" them but that will not prevent them from writing about you.
Legal Options
If your appeals to the offending person doesn’t work, consider legal action. Remember, though, it’s up to you to prove their guilt.
For example, California Penal Code Section 653.2 defines harassment as, “A knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that a reasonable person would consider as seriously alarming, seriously annoying, seriously tormenting, or seriously terrorizing the person and that serves no legitimate purpose.”
A series of emails, Tweets or Facebook posts that achieves that, especially when it comes after your attempt to stop it, will help prove your point.
When in doubt, save the offending comments, save your responses and contact a lawyer.
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